Spring 2021 has just begun. For me, this means I have now covered four seasons without Tom. I am coming up on the first anniversary. This means I have lived through 31,536,000 seconds without him. I use the term “lived” loosely. I have gone through all “the firsts” and now this week I am going through all of “the lasts” of his final week. I have been grieving the loss of Tom and I am also grieving the loss of the life we were supposed to continue living. It was such a great, full life and it is very hard to make this adjustment.

I need to repurpose my life. I have to come up with ideas and projects that will help me find happiness and joy again. I know this is what Tom would want for me. When I retired I had to check my “wiring” to see how I could “rewire” to adjust to a new way of living. Well, I certainly did a good job of that and it took no time at all to get on a new, very happy track. Together we took care of many family matters and spent a lot of time traveling and enjoying the world. I found in Tom the best partner that could have ever existed. We were always on the same page. He was right there for me through the death of both of my parents and a best friend. He gave me his beautiful family which has grown in size with three little humans over the past seven years, What a blessing he was in my life. Now it is up to me to make sure that these children know all about their Pop. I will keep his memory alive through photos and stories and by living the very best life I can and bring it into everyday living in his honor.

Right now the biggest thing for me is fear of having no idea what is ahead for me. The photo I have used today is a piece of art that I bought in 2011 when we were on Long Beach Island. Funny, the artist signature says “elayne”, so maybe it was meant for me. It says “To become fearless in every moment we can choose to FEAR LESS”. This is what I am trying to do. I will evaluate how best to use my Time, Talent and Treasure for the best outcome and make a contribution to this world. I feel certain that will lead to bringing happiness and joy back into my life. I know that’s what Tom wants for me.

I just hope that I find a soft place to land.