Artist Suzanne Brennan Firstenberg created an art installation in Washington DC. It was a field filled with white flags. Each flag represented someone who died of Covid-19. The exhibit opened on October 23 and closed on November 30, 2020. The exhibit was titled “In America How Could This Happen”. Ms Firstenberg would update the total number of people who had died and add a white flag to represent their death. On the weekend my friend was at the exhibit the total was listed at 263,525. Less than one month has passed and the total is now 319,763. I wish I had seen this. There was an article in National Geographic by Sydney Combs about the installation. Quoting Ms Firstenberg, “look at a single flag…now conjure up a story. Think of it as a school teacher who just lost her life.” She paints a picture of all those stricken by that death. “Try to hold all of that grief-and then look up and multiply”, she said referring to all the flags. The article goes on to talk about how people across the country, including artists like Ms Firstenberg, “are doing what they can to humanize statistics and create spaces for mourning”.

For those of us living with the death of one of the 319,763 souls there is no way to be consoled. It is almost 9 months since I lost my husband. 264 days. 6,336 hours. Everyday I have to hear how many more people have died. Everyday I get to think about how I could not be with my husband as he died, how he could not have Last Rites, how there was no wake, how there was no funeral, how we did not get to celebrate his life. Everyday I get to think about the hole in my heart, the hole in our family. Everyday I get to think about how much I have to tell him about or wonder what his opinion would be about something. I just always thought we’d have so much time. We had so many more plans of what we wanted to do.

My friends and family have been tremendous support for me. I was fortunate enough to get a bereavement group specifically for Covid families. From that group I still have weekly zoom conversations with two women with whom I have formed a bond. We refer to each other as “grief sisters” or “covid widows”. We three understand exactly what each other is feeling.

My advice to anyone reading this blog is the following: in our presence NEVER talk about how the death total from this virus could have been so much worse than it is and NEVER say how such a large percentage of people only had flu-like symptoms. Be filled with gratitude if someone you loved recovered from whatever they suffered from. Consider yourself incredibly fortunate if you were not impacted in any way by this virus.

Our loved one’s place can not be filled. Please show respect for all those who have died by wearing a mask and getting a vaccine as soon as you can.